The Life and Tales of Bob, The Bagel Slicer
by stripscrabble
Summary: This is the story of Bob. Bob happens to be the Bagel Slicer that the Cohen's have used over the years. Bob has seen and done many things during his time in the Cohen household...
1. The Welcoming

Hem, hem.

Ok so, this fic may seem rather random... Basically it is from the POV of the Cohen's Bagel Slicer... Lots of Kandy smut lays ahead...

* * *

The Life and Tales of Bob, The Bagel Slicer.

* * *

I had had a pretty boring life so far. I was born into the world in July of 1995. My parents were legends, they were two of the originals. And I happened to be their first born. Great things were expected of me, and I strived to live up to them. 

From the time I was born I had little contact with others. I was always in the dark, there were one or two rare occasions when I would get to see the outside world, otherwise I just sat there waiting. I was moved around a lot, I would get a big banged up sometimes, but there was never any lasting damage.

It was in late October when I had finally reached my destination. Unlike all the other times I had been moved, this time I heard voices.

"This is what you are looking for, Sir," I heard a man with a deep voice saying. "Top of the line, just in."

I heard another man saying something, but I couldn't make out what it was, he was speaking too quietly.

Then the first man spoke again, "Good choice, just follow me."

That was when it happened. I was moved again. But this time it felt different. The first movement was extremely sudden, it was like a jolt, I was man enough to admit that it scared the shit out of me! The next movements were rather rough, I was thrown about, but there really wasn't that much room for me to move, so there was no damage thankfully. Then I was slammed down, if I had legs, I'm sure they would have been broken due to the impact. But as I didn't have legs, I was fine, just a but of a sore bum.

That's when I heard the first man's voice again, "That will be Twenty Three Dollars and Sixty Two Cents."

I was being sold?! This was the greatest moment of my life, the highpoint of my existence! This was the day I had been waiting for, I had heard stories throughout my travels from others like me. There had been a few I met along that way that warned me against doing stupid things, if I did something wrong I would be sent right back. I had my plan in mind, I knew what to do, I had been waiting for my opportunity to prove myself. And it was about to happen!

"Thank you," I heard another man say, I think this was the second man, it kind of sounded like him but I really couldn't be sure.

I was moved again at this point. And again it was different. This time it kind of felt like I was floating, it was a weird feeling, but quite an enjoyable one as well.

I felt myself being knocked against something and that's when I herd the second man's voice again, "Well baby, I think that we now have everything we need."

"I think we do too, now we can officially call that place home." I heard a woman say, she sounded rather nice. There was something rather soothing about her voice.

I felt myself being placed down somewhere and then I heard an engine start. Although it wasn't as loud as the engines I had previous experience with. It wasn't a rough a ride as I usually had when engines were involved either. I didn't even move once.

It was a short time later that the engine stopped and I was moved again, I had that floating feeling again. This was becoming rather enjoyable.

"Mum!" I heard a young boy yell, he had a rather high voice, even for a child. "Grandpa says that he is going to take me out on the boat!"

"Oh really?" I heard the woman with the soothing voice say in surprise.

"Yes, I promised him that as soon as you two got home I would take him out," Said another man, he had a rather deep, powerful voice.

"Please mum?" the boy asked.

"Okay," the woman said, "But Seth please be careful!"

"I will," Seth said, so the child's name was Seth. I could get used to that.

I felt myself being placed down again, but unlike last time it wasn't a slam, it was gentle.

"Dad, please look after him out there," the woman said.

"Kirsten please, would I ever put Seth in danger?" Seth's grandfather said.

So her name was Kirsten, her name really suited her voice. It was elegant and sophisticated but it was also kind of bubbly and fresh. I couldn't wait until I was able to see her, I knew she would be beautiful.

"Caleb, do I even need to mention the time you took him to the zoo?" I heard the other man say.

"There is no need to bring that up again, it was hardly my fault." the man named Caleb said.

"Oh I highly -" The other man started but was soon interrupted.

"I'm ready to go now," Seth said rather loudly in an attempt to get everyone's attention.

"Great, then let's go," Caleb replied to him.

"Okay," Seth said, "Bye Mum, bye Dad."

"See you later squirt," the man said.

"Bye sweetheart," Kirsten said. "And be careful."

There was soon no noise. I didn't like it, I had had enough quiet throughout my lifetime. I was finally ready to live.

"You okay?" I heard the man ask.

"I'm okay," Kirsten replied to him. "No, seriously Sandy, I'm fine."

"Okay then," the man who must be named Sandy said. "Since you're fine, then perhaps we should work on making you great."

"Oh and how might we do that?" Kirsten said.

"By," Sandy started, "Eating bagels!"

I felt myself being lifted up. And then, it happened. I was out of the darkness! And it wasn't like the other times I had seen the light, this time I was lifted out of my box. Sandy placed me on the countertop. I looked around as he stared down at me, and when I looked back up at him, she was there too. She was beautiful, that kind of beauty that took you breath away.

"You want to eat bagels when we have the house to ourselves with no interruptions?" Kirsten asked Sandy looking rather taken aback.

"Well, I can't think of anything else I would rather do," Sandy replied, I didn't know if Kirsten picked up on it but I could see the mischievous look in his eye.

Kirsten obviously did not see the look in his eye as she pulled back from him, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," Sandy said as he turned his back to Kirsten and opened the fridge door.

I looked at Kirsten, she simply stood there with her mouth slightly open, glaring at the back of Sandy. It was a few seconds later that Sandy came out of the fridge with nothing in his hands. As he looked at Kirsten, who might I add was looking rather furious, he started laughing.

"Baby, come on," He said, "Do you seriously think I would ever turn you down?"

Kirsten just continued to glare at him, I could tell she was a woman who didn't take crap from anybody, even her husband.

Sandy moved closer to her, sliding his hands down her body, coming to a rest on her hips. He leaned in, placing soft kisses along her jaw line. "Baby, you know I would never let an opportunity such as this escape us."

As his kisses moved from her jaw to her neck, Kirsten arched her body into his, tilting her head back in the process, creating a greater workspace for Sandy.

I watched as Sandy began to undo the jacket Kirsten was wearing, "You're so gorgeous when you're angry."

"Yeah, well you're such an asshole." She said, closing her eyes as Sandy threw her jacket on the ground and continued his kisses along her shoulder.

"Oh I think asshole is a bit of an overstatement," Sandy told her as he reached for the hem of her top.

"Really?" She questioned, "'Cause I don't think it is."

As Kirsten raised her arms for Sandy to pull her top over her head, he said "Uh, but see you're angry with me, I bet in half an hour you'll be eating your words."

"Well that certainly depends," Kirsten replied as I watched her top meet her jacket on the floor.

"Oh yeah?" Sandy said, as his hands wandered her body before stopping to sensually massage her breasts that were hidden beneath the lace black bra she was wearing. "And what does it depend on?"

"How good your performance is," Kirsten stated as she removed Sandy's hands from her chest and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Oh baby, you know I'm always great."

Both Sandy and I watched as Kirsten struggled with the last few buttons on his shirt, I found it rather amusing. She had a determined look on her face and her tongue was poking out of the side of her mouth. Sandy's hands met Kirsten's, helping her to undo the last of his buttons. She looked up at him and slowly kissed him as she peeled the shirt off his shoulders. She ran her hands over his shoulders and down his chest after tossing the shirt. Breaking the kiss, Kirsten began leaving a trail of kisses. Starting on his chin, she continued down his throat, then his chest before coming to a stop where the jeans he was wearing started.

As Kirsten slowly started undid the sole button on his jeans and went to pull down the zip but was stopped by Sandy. She looked up at him questioningly.

"I thought this was about you," he said before kneeling on the floor like Kirsten was.

I watched as Sandy slowly pushed Kirsten back so that she was now laying on the tiles. I tried to lean forward as Sandy followed Kirsten to the ground, but it was rather difficult for me to do as I had no arms or legs.

"You are such a perv," I heard someone say from behind me.

I looked around and realised that it was the blender that was sitting on the counter with me.

"You haven't even been here for one day and you're already trying to get a front row seat!" the blender said to me.

"You know what, you don't get a say," I replied to the blender. "You desecrate food, nobody here wants to know what you think."

As I turned my attention back to Sandy and Kirsten, who I still could not see, I again tried to move my way closer to the edge. Just as I heard a loud moan come from Kirsten, a powerful breeze came through the open window of the kitchen and helped me topple over the edge, landing on the floor with a bang.

As I collected my thoughts I heard Kirsten let out a gasp. I had a good view now, actually I had a _great_ view. Kirsten was now laying on the kitchen floor totally naked. Let's just say that if I had any of the human male anatomy, I would be on top of her in a heartbeat… You know if I had a heartbeat.

"Sandy," Kirsten let out in another gasp.

"Mmm," Sandy muttered as he stopped his movements between her legs to look up at her.

"The bagel slicer fell," she said.

"And?"

"And," Kirsten replied to him, "You cut your breakfast with that."

"So," Sandy said as he began placing kisses down her neck, slowing working his way towards her chest.

"Well do you want it to get dirty?"

I heard Sandy let out an irritated sigh.

"Honey," he said. "We're about to have sex on the kitchen floor, and you're worried about the bagel slicer getting dirty on the kitchen floor?"

"Yeah but unlike the bagel slicer, I have a thing called a shower." Kirsten replied to him.

"Okay," Sandy said, sounding rather agitated. "I will disinfect the bagel slicer if you just forget about it for now."

As Sandy waited for her reply, I saw Kirsten look at me before she nodded.

"Good," Sandy said quietly.

I watched as Sandy slowly lowered his lips to Kirsten's. I saw his tongue sliding into her mouth to be met by her own tongue. I could tell that they did this a lot, they had a rhythm that came so naturally.

As Sandy's tongue continued to probe Kirsten's, I noticed his hand moving along the side of her body. It was slowly caressing every inch before it stopped at her opening, where two fingers disappeared. Kirsten let out a moan as Sandy's hidden fingers began to move within her.

"No," Kirsten let out breathlessly.

"Huh?" Sandy questioned.

Kirsten pushed Sandy off of her, "No, I want you."

"You'll have me."

"No, I want you now," Kirsten said, taking control of the situation, pushing Sandy onto his back and pulled down the zip she had began to unzip earlier.

As Kirsten began to slid his jeans down his legs, Sandy simply looked up at her laughing.

"What's so funny?" Kirsten asked him.

"I just love it when you take control," he replied to her.

"Yeah well, you take to long," Kirsten said as she threw his jeans over her shoulder before attacking his lips with her own.

She pulled back not long after, heading back down to remove Sandy's boxer shorts. As she pulled them off, she chucked them over Sandy's head, where they hit the fridge and fell to the floor.

"Can I take the lead now?" Sandy asked her.

"If you hurry up, then yes."

Sandy laughed as he rolled them over gently, making sure that he didn't place too much of his own weight on top of Kirsten.

"I swear I just told you to hurry up," I heard Kirsten mutter to Sandy.

"Right, sorry," Sandy said before he lifted himself off of Kirsten and carefully placed his erect penis at her entrance. He waited for several moments before making any other moves.

"Sandy!" Kirsten said or rather yelled.

It was then that Sandy plunged into her, releasing a satisfied moan from Kirsten as well as a breathless "Thank you."

I couldn't help but watch. I knew it was wrong, the blender had already called me a perv. I could imagine what she would call me the next time we had the opportunity to exchange words. But I didn't care.

Kirsten's hand were soon on Sandy's back, her nails digging in, no doubt leaving marks as Sandy continued to crash into her.

I heard Kirsten's breathing becoming uneven, every so often she would let out a cry, usually of Sandy's name.

As Sandy increased his pace, I watched as Kirsten arched her back, letting out one long high pitched scream of Sandy's name.

Just as Kirsten began to take deep breaths in order to calm down, it was Sandy's turn to scream out her name. Sandy collapsed on top of her slowly recovering his breath, as Kirsten's fingers ran through his hair.

"Okay," Kirsten said after a few silent minutes together, "I guess you're not an asshole."

"No?" Sandy asked, looking up at her.

"No, more like an idiot who doesn't know when to shut up."

Sandy let out a sigh, "I guess I can deal with that."

Kirsten let out a small laugh as she pulled his face towards hers and slowly moved her lips in a perfect motion with his.

A few moments later Sandy got up, rolling over and picking me up. He stood up and placed me on the counter.

"You know," Sandy said. "I think we should name him."

"Who? The bagel slicer?" Kirsten asked.

"Yeah!" Sandy replied, "I mean, why not?"

"Well first of all, who says it's a guy?" She asked.

Sandy simply looked at her as if to say "_As if it's not_!"

"Fine," Kirsten said while putting her clothes back on. "But I get to name him."

"Okay, as long as it's not some stupid girlie name though."

Kirsten thought for a few moments before voicing her thoughts, "Bob."

Sandy let out a laugh, "Bob?"

"Yep, I think it totally suits him," she said with a grin that lit up the already fairly well lit room.

"Well then," Sandy said. "Welcome to the family, Bob."


	2. The Cover

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! Lol yeah, this story is a bit weird… It came about over on KRO, I was saying that I was obsessed with the bagel slicer… And then I was like I wish I was the bagel slicer, imagine everything he has seen!**

**So anyway this update is for Patty, who was actually the one who suggested writing this… Happy Birthday!**

* * *

**The Life and Tales of Bob, The Bagel Slicer - Chapter 2  
**

* * *

I sat at the end of the counter listening to the conversation that was going on at the table not too far away between Kirsten, Sandy and Seth.

"Seth, why don't you want to go?" Kirsten asked her son.

"Because Marissa hates me," Seth stated.

"She doesn't hate you," Kirsten told him as she placed a glass on juice in front of her distressed son.

"Yes she does Mum!" Seth nearly yelled, "Why else doesn't she talk to me?"

I had learnt a few things while living in the Cohen household. I had been here for 6 months and in that time I had only ever seen one other young boy in the house. I had asked the blender about this and she just ignored me, so I asked the toaster instead. Fred had told me that Seth was a very strange child, he didn't have any friends and that the one time Seth had had kids his age over, he had ended up running into the kitchen, crying to his mother.

"Seth, why would she invite you to her party if she didn't like you?" Sandy asked Seth as he got up from his chair, grabbing a bagel and walking over to me.

"Dad come on, Mum invited everyone in the school to my birthday party," Seth said and neither Sandy or Kirsten said anything in reply. "Exactly."

As Sandy used me to slice his bagel, I thought about going off course as he did so. But as I was about to I noticed Maura looking at me. Damn blender. I needed to watch out for her, all my Sandy sabotage needed to be on the sly, if Maura ever found out I would never hear the end of it.

After an hours worth of discussion, Seth had finally been convinced to go to Marissa's birthday party. I felt like I knew the family rather well after these past few months, but I could not believe that it had taken Sandy and Kirsten so much to get Seth to this party. Even though I knew Seth wasn't exactly normal, I still thought he would want to go to a birthday party as much as any other kid would. I mean come on, if nothing else there's always the birthday cake to look forward to.

The Cohen's had been gone for a good hour by now, and the entire time I had sat there thinking of sabotage methods I could use on Sandy that Maura wouldn't notice. I would need to talk with some of the other appliances and see if they would help me because so far the only thing I could come up with was the missed opportunity at slicing his fingers this morning. I heard the front door slam shut and saw Kirsten wander into the kitchen where she got a glass from the cupboard and then went to the fridge and poured herself a glass of orange juice.

I watched as Sandy then walked into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Kirsten from behind her. I looked at her as her face lit up as she leaned back into Sandy, I would literally give everything to switch positions with that man.

"What are you doing here?" Kirsten asked him as Sandy placed kisses on the back of her neck.

"Seth said that you came home to get something," he replied as he took the glass out of Kirsten's hands, placing on the table and then turning her around in his arm, allowing me to view her back.

"Yeah, I left the present on the counter," Kirsten explained, pointing to the present wrapped in pink paper at the end of the counter.

"Well isn't that just the perfect cover," Sandy said to her as he began to remove Kirsten's jacket from her body.

"Oh and what would that be a cover for, Mr Cohen?"

"For what we didn't get to finish this morning."

I watched as Kirsten's jacket slid from her arms onto the floor, she was wearing a backless black dress that clung to her body perfectly. Sandy's hands found her back as he placed kisses along the side of her neck, causing Kirsten to moan in pleasure.

Sandy's hands moved from her back to her breasts where he began to move her dress aside to get better access. "Wait," Kirsten said.

"What?" Sandy asked as Kirsten pushed back from him.

"We need to skip the foreplay." She stated.

"Whatever you say," Sandy told her as he trailed his hands down to her waist where he lifted her up, placing her on the counter. He lifted the bottom of her dress up, lifting her up slightly in order to remove her underwear. Kirsten let out a gasp as she was placed back on the countertop, with her underwear being thrown across the room.

Kirsten leaned forward in order to help Sandy out of his pants, she undid his belt and pants, letting them drop around his ankles, quickly being joined by his boxers. Sandy picked Kirsten up from the counter, she wrapped her legs around his waist before letting out a half sigh, half moan when Sandy penetrated into her. His movements starting out slow, but quickly became fast and hurried as Kirsten urged him on.

I was watching intently as Sandy continued to move within Kirsten when I heard a man calling Kirsten's name, it was obvious that neither Sandy or Kirsten had heard the man calling as they both continued their movements. A second later Jimmy Cooper appeared in the entrance of the kitchen. I had only seen Jimmy on a few occasions and I did not like him at all. He was always looking at Kirsten in ways that made me want to vomit.

"You're nearly as pathetic as he is," I heard Maura say next to me.

"Please tell me that I did not just hear you put me in he same category as that loser!"

"I said _nearly_," she told me.

"Hey at least I'm not standing in the doorway watching my ex-girlfriend having sex with her husband!" I told her.

"No, you're just watching them from over counter."

"She's not my ex-girlfriend though! That just makes it so much creepier!" I explained, "Plus, if she ever was my girlfriend, there is no way I would have let her go!"

Maura let out an irritated sigh, "Do you ever think of anything except her?"

I paused for a moment as I went back to watching the back of Kirsten thrashing against Sandy, "No."

"Sandy, I'm going to -" I heard Kirsten starting to say breathlessly before she trailed off. "Jimmy!"

"What?" Sandy questioned as he stopped his movements and looked up at Kirsten's face. As Sandy followed her gaze, so did I. All eyes were on Jimmy Cooper still standing in the kitchen doorway, not moving at all.

"Unless you are here to tell us that you're moving to fucking mars, I suggest you get lost right now Cooper," Sandy said sharply to Jimmy.

When Jimmy didn't move Sandy looked back at Kirsten, "Jimmy, get out," Kirsten said as she tried to make her way out of Sandy's embrace but he simply held her tighter. "Sandy?"

I watched Sandy's hands begin to massage their way down Kirsten's back. "Jimmy I swear I just told you to fuck off," he said when Jimmy was still standing there, he began to place kisses down Kirsten's neck while his hands cupped her bare ass that he had lifted back up off of the kitchen counter, obviously telling Jimmy silently that he was going to continue whether he was there or not.

As Kirsten tilted her head back allowing more room for Sandy, wrapping her legs around his waist once more, Jimmy opened his mouth for the first time, "Kirsten?"

"Just go!" She yelled, I had never heard Kirsten really yell before, it appeared that it wasn't something Jimmy wanted to hear as he turned and ran out of the house.

"God, that man has the worst timing in the world!"

"Sandy," Kirsten said softly.

"No, I'm serious, he's worse than Seth!" Sandy told her, shaking his head.

"Sandy, stop."

"No! And how long does it take it to get through to him that he isn't welcome!" He continued, "I mean our current position should be enough to get the message across but he doesn't even listen when -"

"Just stop," Kirsten said as she placed two of her fingers over his mouth. "I want you to stop talking about Jimmy Cooper so that we can finish what we were in the middle of."

"Oh," Sandy said, "Well I like that idea."

"Of course you would like the idea, you ungrateful piece of -" I started to say to myself out loud.

"Jealous much?" Maura said to me.

"Ha! Jealous? Of him?" I said as I looked from Maura back to Sandy in Kirsten, just in time to see Sandy turn them to gently slam Kirsten against the fridge.

"Oh you so are," she groaned.

I would never admit it to her, but I was. I really was jealous of Sandy Cohen as he stood in front of me with Kirsten wrapped around him, screaming his name in pleasure.


	3. The Bad Day

-1**Yay! Finally an update!!! All the thanks go to Patty, she was the one who gave me the idea for this chapter… And future chapters! Coz seriously, I had nothing! Lol I had no idea where to go and everything I came up with sucked!**

**Now i remember there being questions asked in reviews... And i cant be bothered to go back and look to answer them right now as im talking online to my friend Ashley who left earlier this month to go live in America for a year!! Lol so if you had a question, ask in your next review and i promise to answer! **

**So yes before we get on to the chapter, I know it's kind of short… I did have more to it but I decided like 10 minutes ago that im going to save that for the next chapter lol and that will be up sometime soon!**

* * *

** Chapter 3 **

* * *

Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day I mean, the kind where nothing seems to go your way, where every decision you make seems to be the wrong one, where you wished you just never got out of bed… Or in my case, got picked up out of the cupboard.

The day had started out normally enough, Sandy coming into the kitchen just before dawn and having his usual pre-surf bagel, then Kirsten arriving and making coffee sometime later.

I always knew it was going to be a bad day when Kirsten stayed in the Kitchen to drink her coffee. That usually meant that she would still be there when Sandy arrived home, fresh from his surf and apparently 'so sexy' according to Kirsten. I had lost count of how many times I had heard her say that, and personally I do not understand what Kirsten saw in him at all, let alone what she found so appealing when he was all wet and stunk of the ocean.

This morning was no different, Kirsten was filling up a second cup of coffee when Sandy walked in. I'm sure if I had a stomach, or a throat, or a mouth I would have been vomiting at this point. I didn't appreciate the way Sandy always had his hands on her. And apparently I was giving off the 'hate vibe' as I was soon listening to Maura's incessant nagging.

"Seriously, Bob," was how she started. "You need to get over this jealousy thing."

"God woman, how many times do I have to tell you I am not jealous of him!"

"Oh right of course, I must have forgotten about all those other people's fingers you plan to chop off," Maura replied sarcastically, which she really shouldn't. Sarcasm doesn't suit her.

"That has nothing to do with jealousy for your information," I told her.

"Oh course not, it's perfectly natural to feel the urge to chop someone's fingers off!"

"When the someone is such an arrogant ass as Sandy, then yes it is perfectly natural," I replied with anger.

"Arrogant ass?" She said slowly. "Ok, do you even know what arrogant means? Because if you did, you would know that that is not Sandy at all."

"Oh please, he always walks in here thinking he is above us all," I explained. "He needs to be taken down a peg or two. And personally I think that if he was to suffer an injury at the hands of me, that it would not only do that but it would also be pretty emasculating, don't you think?"

"You wouldn't even know the first thing about emasculation," she said. "You have to be a man first."

"That was low even for you," I said quietly.

"Whatever, I'm just trying to stop you from doing something stupid."

"As if it's stupid!" I practically yelled. "You know what, why are we even discussing this? I don't recall asking for your opinion on the matter."

"No Bob, you didn't ask me, but I still care about you," she started yelling back. "God knows why since apparently you never have care for me in the slightest."

"Maura don't be like this."  
"Like what Bob? Because seriously, it's not like you're ever going to get anywhere with Kirsten and then you're just going to keep coming back to me and you know what," she said taking a pause to make sure I was paying attention. "I may not be here when you do come back."

Please, what a typical woman. But I knew her, I knew she would always be there. She couldn't get enough of me.

As I watched Sandy continue to maul Kirsten in front of me, I thanked the lord when Seth came into the kitchen, groaning at the sight of his parents. I had never loved that child more than I did in that moment.

"Bagel son?" Sandy asked after Kirsten had pulled away from him and moved her way around the counter, saying good morning to Seth.

"Yes please, Dad."

Now was my chance. I knew this was my shot, all I had to do was go of course when Sandy was ready to cut. It was perfect.

I watched him as he made his way over to me in what seemed like slow motion.

I braced myself as Sandy picked me up.

I couldn't back out now.

I mentally prepared myself as he set the bagel neatly down.

As I began to be lowered I waited for that split second before my blade would reach the top of my bottom.

As I was there I put all my energy into swinging to the left. I went off course and Sandy followed through with his efforts.

It wasn't until I heard Sandy's shout of pain that I realised what had happened. It didn't go exactly as planned. Sandy had been able to move his hand out of the way in time so that I only nicked the tip of his index finger. So it wasn't a complete failure, I did at least get him… Just not as badly as I would have wanted.

I looked over at Sandy as Kirsten and Seth both ran to his side. Kirsten left the room quickly, returning seconds later with a first aid kit.

"You okay Dad?" Seth asked as Kirsten ran his hand under cold water and then covering his finger in a band-aid.

"Of course I am," Sandy said arrogantly, proving my point that he is indeed arrogant. "Nothing can take me down, Son."

Seth smiled back at his father before taking his seat once again at the end of the counter.

"How about we have some cereal for breakfast instead?" Kirsten asked as she went to the cupboard and pulled out several different kinds of cereal.

"As long as it has lots of sugar," Seth said to his mother.

As Kirsten started gathering bowls and spoons for the new breakfast menu, I continued to watch Seth as I heard the disapproving moan from Maura behind me.

"What?" I said rather sharply.

"Did anything I said before sink in at all?" She asked me.

"What I did or did not do has nothing to do with you," I told her.

"Please, did not do. Are you delusional as well as stupid? I think its pretty clear that it was your stupid actions that caused that to happen. As if anybody would believe that Sandy was that bad of an aim."

"You cant prove anything," I said quietly.

"Oh so if I just replayed our conversation from earlier in my mind, I wouldn't hear you calling Sandy an arrogant ass and saying it's perfectly normal to want to cut his fingers off?"

I didn't have anything to say to her, "I don't need to defend my actions to you."

As I said that I happened to take notice of Seth, who was acting rather stranger than normal. He had dropped his spoon into his bowl of cereal and was looking around the room with a face that made him look like he was constipated.

"Bob? Are you even listening to me?"

I ignored Maura's question because she was right, I wasn't listening to her. I was too busy staring at Seth, who was now staring back at me.

"Seth?" I asked warily.

His eyes widened in surprise and I knew that he had heard me.


	4. The Operation

**So here is Chapter 4! It's actually quite shorter than i planned but i've changed a bit around for the next chapter so i had to delete some stuff.**

**Oh and i also wanted to tell everyone that i have some smut planned for everyone for Valentines day!  
**

* * *

**Chapter 4 **

* * *

"Just don't make any sudden movements," I said to Maura as Seth continued to stare at me.

"Oh yeah coz we can move so much."

"Ive known you to be pretty flexible," I told her while I tried not to laugh.

Maura didn't seem to appreciate my last comment as she gave me a look that pretty much should have belonged to a serial killer. I was actually kind of scared.

"Mum," Seth said quietly.

"Yes sweetheart."

"Can you hear that?" He asked her.

"Hear what?" Kirsten said as she looked around the room

Seth sighed as he looked around the room after his mother, "… Nothing."

As Seth went on eating his breakfast but continued to look over at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Bob, what in the world is going on," Maura said to me.

"The kid can hear us!" I hissed.  
"What?" Maura asked, as if I was crazy.

"Here look," I said. "Hey Seth!"

Seth lifted his head up from his bowl of cereal and looked over at me.

"See," I said to Maura.

I looked over at her and saw her in a silent state of shock.

"But… How?" Maura asked, rather stupidly.

"How the hell should I know?" I told her. "It's not like I've ever spoken to a kid before."

"Stop calling me a kid!" Seth suddenly yelled out.

The kitchen went silent and all eyes fell on Seth.

"Seth," Sandy said from his place next to Kirsten. "We didn't call you a kid."

I watched Seth pause, contemplating what to say. "I know you didn't."

"So why did you say 'don't all me a kid'?" Kirsten asked him.

"I… Didn't," Seth said quickly before pushing his chair back and running out of the kitchen.

I kept my eyes on Kirsten as she looked at the chair Seth had just vacated. She soon looked up at Sandy as he came and stood beside her.

"I'll go see what's going on with him," Sandy said as he leaned down and kissed Kirsten on the forehead. Seriously, the guy made me vomit.

"I'll come with you," Kirsten told him as she smiled back at him.

I didn't understand how Kirsten could fall for all his fake sweet crap. Honestly, no man is that nice without wanting something in return. He was clearly using her, that's why I should be with her, I would never use her. I would appreciate her for the amazing woman that she is.

"Whoa, that was close you guys," I heard Ranger say, breaking me out of my daydreams of whisking Kirsten away.

"I know, I don't understand why he didn't tell his parents that he could hear us," Maura said, mainly to herself I presume. "Actually, why could he hear us at all?"

"I have no idea," I said, not really caring, I just wanted to get back to my daydreams.

It wasn't until late that night before I saw Seth again.

"And it's fairly obvious that he isn't important considering he's only out of the cupboard like what? Once a week?" I said to Maura.

"Bob, that has nothing to do with anything."

"But it does, I'm just saying that you can do so much better than…" I started to say, I mean Ranger wasn't at all significant, seriously, he was a bit of tin that did nothing without hotplates. "A kettle."

"Maybe I should go after Sandy then," Maura said. "Kirsten seems to think a lot of him."

"That's just because she doesn't know any better," I told her. I hated the way she was always bringing up Sandy and how great she thought he was. Seriously, did she have nothing better to talk about?

"Oh right because you're better," Maura said.

"As a matter of fact, I am," I told her. Hello, of course I was better than Sandy. Even Ranger was frigging better than Sandy. "I am a million times better than Sandy bloody Cohen."

"Bob, just give it up, Kirsten is never going to see you as anything except the bagel slicer," She said rather harshly.

I decided to take her comment as a challenge though, I wasn't going to let her take me down yet again. "See but that's why you're wrong."

"Whatever," Maura said.

"You'll see, I'll have Kirsten Cohen begging for it, you just wait," I said to her, not expecting Seth to walk into the room and hear it.

"Begging for what?" I heard Seth say from the doorway.

"For…" I started saying, but couldn't think of anything.

"A bagel, obviously," Maura jumped in and said, truly saving my ass.

"Oh," was all Seth said. It was times like this he made me wonder whether his grandfather was right about him being mildly retarded. That would be a reasonable explanation to why he could suddenly hear me.

As Seth went to the fridge and got out a bottle of water, I waited for him to say something now that he was alone with me. I knew that Seth being Seth, he would have a million and one questions and would already have his own theory about what was going on. But I also had a theory… Well a fake theory to tell him anyway.

Seth had closed the fridge and began walking back out of the kitchen but just as he reached the doorway, he stopped and turned around.

"How come I can hear you?" he asked, looking right at me.

"You can't," I said, beginning operation _Make Seth Think He's Crazy_. "This is all in you're head."

"No it's not!" Seth exclaimed. "I know I heard you this morning too!"

"No you didn't," I told him. "That was just your imagination and right now… You're dreaming!"

"But it can't be," Seth said to himself, before pinching his left arm. "Ouch."

At that moment Kirsten walked into the Kitchen half asleep, "Seth, sweetie who are you talking to?"

"Mummy," he whispered, looking everywhere but his mother or me.

"Yes sweetie," Kirsten said as she made her way over to where Seth was standing, in front of me.

Seth took one quick look at me before saying almost inaudibly, "He's talking to me."

Kirsten took a moment and looked around the kitchen, before crouching down to Seth's level and whispering, "Who is?"

"Bob."

"Bob?" Kirsten questioned. "Who's Bob?"

"Bob," Seth said loudly. "The bagel slicer!"

Kirsten looked over at me and then back at Seth. "Seth, the bagel slicer doesn't talk."

"Yes he does, mum!"

"Sweetie," Kirsten said softly. "I think you've been watching a bit too much Cartoon Network."

"No mum!" Seth yelled back. "He is talking to me!"

"No baby," Kirsten said back. "Kitchen appliances do not talk."

"But they do!" He continued to argue. "He was talking to the blender before!"

"Oh really?" Kirsten asked. "And what were they talking about?"

"You."

"Me?" Kirsten asked. "They were talking about me?"

"Yes!" Seth exclaimed, thinking that his Mother was finally believing him.

"Ok but sweetie…" Kirsten started saying as she put her hand on Seth's back and started leading him out of the kitchen. "Kitchen appliances don't talk."

"But, Mum!" Seth said as he attempted to fight her pushing arms.

"No 'buts' Seth!" Kirsten said to him. "We will talk about this in the morning. Now go to bed, and I don't want to hear you back down here tonight."

I watched as they left the kitchen. I could not believe that Kirsten had to ask who I was! I was Bob! Everybody knew me!

* * *

** And all credit for the Cartoon Network line goes to Patty! Lol such a classic line, it's what inspired me to write this whole storyline lol.**


	5. The Talk

**Hey everyone! Life is pretty crazy right now, so i've had a few delays in bringing all you wonderful people this chapter.**

**Ifinally brought some kandy back into in... It was going a little off course, but its all good now. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Chapter 5

* * *

I had been awake all night and all of this morning trying to think of ways to get Kirsten to notice me. I knew that I had to find a way to get around Sandy Cohen, but it seemed that no matter how badly I tried to humiliate him, he always seemed to come out on top. It just wasn't fair. I needed to show Kirsten that there was a much better man out there for her, me for example!

My goal for the week was to have Kirsten to myself. I had been coming up with ideas forever so I figure it's time to put a plan into action. I knew I could count on Ranger to help me, it was just a matter of asking for his help when Maura wasn't around but that seemed impossible, she was always around.

"Bob?" I let out a sigh as I heard Maura call my name, for what must have been the twentieth time today.

"Yes Maura," I groaned in frustration. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to know if you planned to talk to me at all today?" She said rather quietly. "Because I tried to talk to you this morning but you ignored me. And I'm not going to put up with it considering I saved your ass last night."

"Yeah I know, I said thank you for it," I said dismissively.

"No you didn't!" She hissed back at me, I knew she would throw that back at me but hey, I didn't ask for her help.

"That's because I didn't ask for your help."

"Oh right so I help you out of the kindness of my heart and you cant even manage to give me a single thanks?" She said.

"Look, just because you -" I began to say, but Kirsten walked into the kitchen closely followed by Sandy. So naturally I stopped talking and focused all my attention on the vision in front of me.

As I tried to suppress the rage of yet again having to witness Sandy's hands besmirch the glorious skin that was revealed between Kirsten's shirt and pants, I could faintly hear Maura calling my name repeatedly from behind me but Sandy's whispered words in Kirsten's ear just seemed to pierce through me and block out Maura's cries. Every sound that came from Kirsten's mouth was pure agony and every word that Sandy muttered sent shivers down my spine, well they would have if I had a spine.

I was about to turn away from the horrific incident in front of me, until I heard Kirsten's soft voice telling Sandy to stop. It was muffled, but I heard it. I had never heard Kirsten telling Sandy to stop before, which made me wonder. Perhaps all wasn't as perfect as it used to be.

"I'm worried about Seth," she said after Sandy pulled away.

"Oh baby, come on," Sandy said in that arrogant tone that always seemed to seep through whatever he was saying. "He's a kid, he has an imagination."

"But Sandy, he thinks that our kitchen appliances are talking to him!"

"So?" Sandy said. "He also talks to a plastic horse."

Kirsten let out a frustrated sigh, she was so cute when she was frustrated. "I never said that that didn't concern me as well."

"Ok, fine" Sandy said dejectedly with a sigh. "If it will make you happy, I will talk to him tonight."

"At dinner?" Kirsten asked hopefully.

"Uh, no," he said as he began to walk out of the room. "After dinner, one on one. Man to man."

He continued backing out of the room, being followed by Kirsten, leaving me to think about what I was to do now. Clearly this Seth thing was somewhat tearing them apart. I liked it.

It was late that night when Sandy wandered into the kitchen and unexpectedly picked me up. I mean he literally walked into the Kitchen, walked straight over to the bench where I was sitting and grabbed me with his filthy hands. Although his hands had been touching Kirsten, so in a way, I was touching Kirsten. I liked that thought, that thought kept me from worrying about what Sandy was going to do to me.

The next thing I knew, Sandy began knocking on a door. "Seth?" he said as he stopped knocking.

There was a grunt heard from behind the door and Sandy pushed it open and walked into the room where we rounded the corner to see Seth sitting on his bed drawing something on a piece of paper.

"What do you want Dad?" Seth asked without looking up form what he was doing.

Sandy didn't reply. He simply took a few steps closer and sat at the end of the bed in silence. As I had no interest in this silent battle between the two, I looked around the room. I had never been out of the kitchen before and Seth's room was definitely nothing like the kitchen. While the kitchen was bright, well decorated and clutter-free. Seth's room was dark and had was would have been nice furniture, except that it was covered with posters and what appeared to be Seth's drawings. It was strange… So I guess it was Seth.

I stopped looking at the room when I heard a deep sigh come from Seth. "What ?" Seth said, looking up at his father.

"Well," Sandy said, placing me down next to the pencil that Seth had just put down. "I'm waiting for you to explain."

"Explain what?" Seth said, glancing at me and then back at his father.

"Explain why the bagel slicer apparently talks to you."

"There isn't an explanation," Seth said, picking his pencil back up and then going back to his drawing.

"Seth please," Sandy pleaded. "I know that you're a kid and that you have an imagination and all that. But I also know that you're smart. You can tell me, okay."

"Tell you what?" Seth asked, not looking up from his drawing.

"Why you think Bob talks to you."

"I don't think Bob talks to me," was Seth's short reply. Which I didn't really understand, unless he had finally believe me when I told him that he was dreaming…

"Oh," Sandy said, rather surprised. "That's good, that's -"

"I _know _that Bob talks to me," Seth replied.

Seth looked up from his drawing when Sandy didn't reply. I turned my attention from Seth to Sandy, he was sitting there with his mouth half open. It was the first time I had actually seen Sandy Cohen speechless.

"Look Dad, I know that you and Mum think I'm crazy and that I'm just making all of this up for attention or something," Seth said, which actually surprised me. I didn't think he was that perceptive. "But I'm not! This is real! I can hear Bob talking!"

"What's he saying right now?" Sandy asked, looking down at me.

"Well… Nothing."

"Okay," Sandy said. "Right."

"Fine, you don't have to believe me, whatever," Seth said to Sandy, turning away from him and yet again continuing to draw. "Make sure you shut the door on your way out thanks."

Sandy sighed and picked me up off of the bed and walked us out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. We walked down the hallway and I noticed that this portion of the house did actually match the kitchen.

We had just hit the bottom step when a faint call of 'Sandy' could be heard coming from the other end of the house.

"What now," I heard Sandy mutter to himself.

I knew that it was Kirsten that was calling him, I could pick out her voice anywhere.

Sandy began walking in the direction of her voice, down a hallway I had never seen before. It fitted the rest of the house so well, you could tell the effort that had gone into the décor of the home.

"Yes dear?" Sandy said loudly as we began to climb the few stairs that led to what I assumed to be their bedroom.

As soon as Sandy pushed through the ajar door, all I could see was her. If I had a jaw, it would have been on the floor. Kirsten was laying in the middle of the large bed, in what appeared to be nothing but a Berkeley t-shirt that I had seen on Sandy many times. I saw Kirsten's lips move, but I couldn't make out a word she said. She looked absolutely perfect, the light off the candles causing her skin to glow.

I watched intently as she got to her knees and crawled slowly forward on the bed, as she got to the end she pulled her legs out from under her and let them hang over the edge of the bed. The sight of her creamy legs poking out from the bottom of the oversized shirt was like heaven. It was like she was milk and I was a cookie, we were just meant to be together.

Sandy began to walk towards Kirsten, he threw me, and I do mean _threw _me across the room. I landed on top of the bedside table on my side. Damn Sandy.

I know I've said this many times before but come on, she was way too good for him! He was nothing more than a pair of overgrown eyebrows.

As Sandy leant in and kissed Kirsten, I couldn't help but roll my eyes when his hands went straight for the hem of the shirt she was wearing.

"You're Bob right?"

I looked to my right to see who was talking to me, "Yeah, who are you?"

"I'm Kay," they said, I looked around in confusion, still unaware of who was talking to me. "The clock."

"Oh, uh okay then," I said, ignoring her and turning back to Kirsten and Sandy, who were still at the end of the bed.

"You know, you're kind of a bit freaky," Kay said to me.

I let out a sigh, "Why is that?"

"Well, I mean look at you," She said. "You're ogling Kirsten!"

"So, what's wrong with that?"

"It's just wrong!"

"If you say so," I said, turning away just in time to see Sandy pulling his shirt off of Kirsten's body.

To mine, and Sandy's utter amazement, Kirsten had nothing on underneath that shirt. Sandy pushed her back down onto the bed where his lips and hands burned a trail down her skin. I tried to ignore Kirsten's moans of pleasure and then the giggles coming as Sandy played with her bellybutton.

"Hey stop laughing," I heard Sandy groan out as Kirsten tried to push Sandy mouth away from her stomach.

"I'm sorry, but it tickles," she said as she pulled his face up to hers and kissed him.

It wasn't much longer until Kirsten's hands wandered down Sandy's clothed body to his belt buckle. Her fingers fumbled for a moment before she successfully removed his belt which she chucked of the floor.

I honestly could not see what Kirsten saw in him. What was it that he had and I didn't? I mean sure, he was human, but I'm sure that if I found a way around that little fact I could absolutely steal Kirsten away from Sandy.

As Kirsten rid Sandy of his remaining clothing and braced herself for what was about to happen, I couldn't help but think how beautiful she was.

From the moment Sandy entered her until the moment he withdrew, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Every sigh and every moan was like music. And every movement was more than I could handle. I knew that I had to have her, she was perfection. And perfection deserved more than Sandy Cohen.


End file.
